Rant of an overthinker

Do I call myself a naïve girl? But I am on my twenties. But I am still not used to these adult life. I hate responsibility, waking up early and working, even studying. They say I don't even act like a grown up... But I don't want to. Can't I just make silly faces and jump instead of walk? Because we literally are floating in a rock in the middle of the universe that's too vast.

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Do I use more fairness cream? I have dark skin. But I love these honey colour that covers my body... But they tell me that if I was a lil fair I would be beautiful.

... But I feel beautiful with my own skin, should I use lighter shade of foundation??

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They want me to get married within next 3 years, or else all the good match will be gone. But I don't want to. It's too much of responsibility I'll ever be ready to handle. They give me example of that lady who lives alone on the corner of street, how she have noone now that her hairs are turning grey... But I don't care!!

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Should I search for a job that's 9-5, and all hard work, no fun but with stability and paycheck? Or can I just open a cafe+bookstore on a random city because that is what I want. But what if I fail?? They say stability is more important and I don't need to learn so many different things, why should I? But why shouldn't I?   

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I am a true Feminist, but they say I am too privileged to say so. Am I? They don't believe I have trauma, because I am provided with damn good life by my parents. But they don't know my abuse story. They don't even care. And I am not confident enough to share in fear of being victim blamed. Am I too privileged??

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I am emotionally drawn. I don't love people like I should, like I ought to. They say I feel nothing. But I do. I have been feeling too much that now I have nothing left. Is it possible to be empty of feelings??

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I hate my body. They too tell me to diet and exercise more. My dress doesn't fit me anymore. But my PCOD is acting up and I can't seem to lose weight even if I try and all these pills aren't helping. I am hypocrite. I urge people to accept themselves but I am failing to do so myself. What should I do??

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I feel guilty for procrastinating everything I should be doing. I hate myself for not helping my mom as much as I should. I feel helpless and my anxiety level is increasing day by day. Is this my breaking point? Is this what people call nervous breakdown?? Idk.

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There are thousands of things that needs to sorted inside my head but I wrap them up with pretty bow and throw them into a vault without a second glance and prefer to daydream. I am called maladaptive daydreamer. I prefer to read novels, cliche romantic and watch dramas for my escape. Am I too coward to face my own thoughts??

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One day my head will explode.

And I'll be left to pickup the pieces.

And even then I guess I'll leave that matter and find my next escape.

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